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The American Wedding > Engagements
Engagements
Proposal and
Acceptance | Post-Engagement,
Pre-Wedding
Think of the
difference between a promise of marriage and an actual marriage itself. There must
be no rough freedom, no romping caresses, no behavior that you would be ashamed of
if the engagement should be broken.
Grace H. Dodge,
A Bundle of Letters,
1887
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While women had the pleasure of receiving
callers and deciding which ones they might marry, men had the responsibility of
actually proposing marriage. This could be a daunting task, one with no guaranteed
results.
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Proposal and Acceptance
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 The most proper way to propose was in person, but a
proposal by letter was also acceptable. If the right man proposed marriage, a lady was
to state her response immediately and not keep the gentleman in suspense. If she
turned him down, each was to return all of the other's letters and gifts, and speak of
the rejection only to their parents.
If the young lady accepted his proposal, the
prospective groom was then to speak to his fiancée's father and request consent to
marry. If permission was not granted, the unhappy couple had but two choices:
separation or elopement. The first resulted in broken hearts; the second often
resulted in disinheritance. A young lady's father might reject a potential suitor for
any number of reasons: poor health, legal entanglements, unpromising financial
condition, poor social standing, suspected alcoholism, prior marriages or other
"unfortunate liaisons."
The engagements of prominent people were
usually announced in the local newspapers. Sometimes engagements came as a surprise,
despite the knowledge that the young lady and gentleman in question had been known to
keep company. When Rosa-Maye Kendrick became engaged to Hubert Harmon in 1926, for
example, the newspaper gossip columnists indicated surprise even though the couple had
been courting for nearly five years:
The engagement of Miss Rosa-Maye
Kendrick, only daughter of U. S. Senator and Mrs. John B. Kendrick of Wyoming, to
Major Hubert Harmon of Washington, D.C., was announced today … Word of the
engagement came as a surprise to Washington society, where Miss Kendrick is a great
favorite … Miss Kendrick and Major Harmon had been friends for years and for the
past three years the major has been a summer guest of the Kendricks, but rumors of
an engagement have been denied.
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Post-Engagement, Pre-Wedding
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 After an engagement was formally announced, a
young lady's social circumstances were drastically reduced, and her young man's
responsibilities were greatly increased. She could no longer receive evening visits or
private correspondence from her former admirers and she had to spend considerable time
preparing for the upcoming wedding. The groom, meanwhile, was expected to pay her a
social call every evening, if he lived in the same town.
Traditionally, a young man presented his
intended bride with an engagement gift, usually a ring made of gold set with a
diamond, sapphire or other precious stone. She wore the ring as a visible symbol that
she was "spoken for" and no longer in the market for a husband. Men rarely wore either
engagement rings or wedding rings.
Throughout the engagement and on the day
of the wedding, the bride was the center of attention. The groom's main responsibility
was to show up and say his vows. He was also responsible for obtaining a worthy gift
for his bride, one that represented the value he placed on her. John B. Kendrick's
gift to Eula Wulfjen, a very expensive pair of diamond earrings from Chicago, showed
everyone that she
was worth a great deal to him.
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